You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
