So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
