he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
