There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
