Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
