the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
