hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
