The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
