my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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