I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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