Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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