my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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