I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
