Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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