she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You have to summon your inner elephant
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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