He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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