I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
