What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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