Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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