I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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