Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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