you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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