I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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