Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize