Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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