There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
