I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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