angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
