you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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