just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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