Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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