One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
