Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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