totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
