Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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