Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
