i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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