I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
