Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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