mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
