I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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