hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They have beer where we have blood.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize