he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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