wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
