I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
