Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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