can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
