i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
