Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
