My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
