conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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