You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
