Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
