I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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