I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
