i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me