i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
