he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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